Change! Starring Me! (If I could get past the first step)
A sample day from last week:
Get up. Negotiate how I can get another 5, 10, 30 minutes more sleep, long enough to realize that I have to get up now. Make my green juice, get dressed, pet Phyllis (my cat), manically check for my keys-wallet-phone, keys-wallet-phone. Check the weather and sigh. Pick the awkward coat that is missing the button because it is warmest. Collect multiple Tupperware of my lunch in whichever bag configuration I am carrying for the day. Put on my winter boots. Keys-wallet-phone check a couple more times. Walk to the metro, take the metro, walk to work. Sit down. Sign on. Work. Spend the entire day wondering when and how to tell my boss I’m moving to Vancouver. Finish up the day, later than five (as usual) with emails still unaddressed, and the conversation with my boss unrealized. Get ready to leave. Keys-wallet-phone check.
Of course there was more to my days then that, but highlighted for me is this one thing that I didn’t manage to get done. Last week was supposed to be the week. I’ve been planning to move to Vancouver for over a year. June 1st is D-day. I wanted to ease into the idea of moving across the country to one of the most expensive cities on the continent by giving a long preparation period. Now certain logistical details need to be sorted out. Will my company transfer me out west or will I be on my own? I can’t know unless I bring it up.
Why am I stalling on this? Every single plan will hinge on this one, fine, detail. I’m a planner. I planned my moving-date to coincide with the end of my lease, the end of Q1, and the beginning of my holiday schedule. Planners like to know the given circumstances- this is the kind of thing I would normally have gotten out of the way on January 1st. It’s uncomfortable for me not to know.
Just one more reason to wish I was in a relationship. I wish that I was doing this with somebody. I understand that the very fact that I am single is one of the circumstances that is allowing me to move across the country at age 36 with no formal plan of attack. Right now I’m worried that I am making a mistake. That I am screwing myself over. If I had a partner, I wouldn’t feel so solely responsible. There’d be two of us to make decisions, deal with outcomes, cheer each other on. Since there’s only me, only I can do this. Once I bring it up to my boss, there’s no turning back.
I’m moving to Vancouver to participate in life, and become part of the community; something that’s much harder to do when you don’t speak the language. I’m in that sticky place where I dream of having a brand new job, with more money, and more time off, but I’m attached to the idea of moving with my job already sorted, and the vacation days I want, and the comfort of familiarity. I’m torn between which outcome is best, and I’ve been sitting in limbo for the entire year that I’ve been planning this. It’s become a familiar state of waffling. Add to that my memories of living in Vancouver, and the non-stop struggle to stay afloat in my 20’s. I’m going back to the future! But what is my future?
Such a strange thing, this fear of moving forward. This one task, this one conversation is the only thing between me and the momentum of realizing my plan. This same fear that was present on January first when I knew I had to start writing this blog. I had it on the first day of this cleanse. Tomorrow I will go to work with that same fear again. But this time, I’ve promised myself: I will take action. Since I’ve written it here, it’s official.
There is nothing to make fear comfortable or feel better, although I would give away my KitchenAid right now for a glass of California old-vine Zinfandel. Oh, how the distracting, brain-numbing flavor-punch would feel! Warmth and expansion in my heart and chest… Not that my fear is terror, because it isn’t. It’s not really a bad fear at all. There’s a bit of anticipation. A bit of excitement. A lot of being scared to be foolish and make a big mistake. Which is the point of me, this blog, and of doing doing anything I guess. I just thought I’d be better at it by now.